Life Goes On

Passage - Photo by The Perfume Magpie

Passage – Photo by The Perfume Magpie

I took me a hell of a long time to feel like writing anything. When was the last time I actually published anything? I attempted to write something for a few times, but I was unable to finish them.

Since my husband passed away in August, every part of my life has forever changed, altered, and warped. I’m a strong believer of the soul’s survival beyond the physical death and I do feel the presence of my husband all the time, but I still miss the conversations, hugs & kisses and doing normal things together like shopping, going out for coffee, watching TV and talking about our future.

They say time heals grief. Can it really be true that time alone is enough for grief to go away? I think I’m handling my grief pretty well so far but it catches me totally unprepared, knock me off balance and shake me to the core from time to time. Grief has spread every area of my life surreptitiously and it ambushes me at the most unexpected moments; whether it’s simple things like listening to the radio or passing by a shop, I just break into tears. My life is loaded with the memories of what we used to do, and now there’s only me left.

Peaceful Light - Photo by The Perfume Magpie

Peaceful Light – Photo by The Perfume Magpie

He wasn’t a huge fan of perfumes but he used to put up with my obsession and made comments about all the perfumes I tried.  The last perfume we tried together was Winter Rouge by Eternal Scents, and he absolutely loved it on me. But then he became ill and he was no longer able to enjoy or tolerate any smell of perfumes soon after that. I put all my fragrances away and decided to be scentless as long as it was necessary…

Well, now it’s all over. I’ve started visiting perfume blogs and forums again. I’ve started wearing perfumes and sampling and making notes again. But every time when I come across something new, I painfully miss his grumpy voice telling me, “Darling, another bloody perfume?”

20 thoughts on “Life Goes On

  1. Dear, dear Magpie… There are absolutely no words to express how sorry I am for your loss. And there is nothing I or anybody else can say or do to ease your pain. Be good to yourself, take all the help and sympathy offered by friends, relatives and even strangers – anything that helps you to go through the day. My warmest thoughts with you.

    • Thank you Undina for your warm words. One of the great things I found in the past few months was that I was surrounded by many loving and caring people. I’ve met so many angels in disguise. 🙂

  2. So terribly sorry to hear of the loss of your husband, Magpie. I imagine that the grief you are going through is still very sharp, and as Undina wisely said, there isn’t anything anyone can do to ease it, but please know that on the perfume blogosphere you have friends who are wishing you well, wishing you every comfort during this time. Although I’m new to your blog, I hope to get to know you over time, and I will be keeping you in my thoughts.

    • Suzanne, thank you. Each and every kind word I receive encourages me and inspires me. I’ve met some truly lovely people through the perfume blogs… I know I’m healing little by little and I have the feeling that I’m better with each day that passes.

  3. Dear Magpie, I am so sorry for your loss. I think you’re very brave in sharing your emotions here, and letting us all know. I don’t know if time heals, I do think that keep living does, not withdrawing from the world, and I sense that’s exactly what you’re doing in getting those perfumes back out. That’s wonderful and very brave of you. I am sending you healing and warm thoughts and I am glad to see you back.

    • Thank you Asali. I miss him terribly but I know he wouldn’t want me to live a life of a living dead. There always has been, and will be, something that keeps me going; a reason to keep living. I’m sure I will continue to have moments of grief for the rest of my life but I feel that the whole thing is making me stronger and more open to the kindness of people.

  4. I was thinking of you a while back wondering where you were. I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. Time will help but those moments will sneak up on you. It’s a huge loss and I hope that you find comfort in family and friends and the happy memories you have. Be kind to yourself.

    • Thank you Poodle. Yes, those moments definitely sneak up on me and give me a kick when I’m least expected. I bought a HUGE picture frame and I’m filling it up with so many photos… It’s sad but great. One of the greatest things came out of this situation was that I got closer to some truly lovely people. 🙂

  5. My dear – I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. So many bloggers fade in and out and disappear, that although I missed your posts, I thought the real world probably was keeping you from writing; not realizing how “real” your world has been these past few months. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loved ones. All the best – Steve

    • Steve, thank you. I kept thinking that I’d be able to come back into the perfume world when he got better… and, yes, now I’m back into the world I love but it turned out to be without him. You just never know what tomorrow brings. For now, I’m going to “live” one day at a time, focusing on something I truly enjoy. 🙂

  6. Oh…. I just saw this as I discovered your blog. This is very very very sad and even more beautiful. I am so deeply sorry that this experience has happened to you. And moved by the warmth that radiates from your words about your husband. Scents don’t care about time… I hope you have many scented symbols that keep him close when you need him. Much love. Sylvia (Sense of Scent)

    • Thank you, Sylvia, for your kind words. I have so many scented memories we had shared; all the countries we visited, all the perfumes we smelt together, perfumes he bought me… I’ll write about it later but even the day when he passed away, the air was filled with the sweet fragrance of unseen flowers. I’ve managed to find a perfume very similar to what I smelt on that morning. 🙂

  7. Shoot, I am so sorry for your loss – that is just unimaginably awful, and as Undina says, the grieving simply has to take its course – just be very gentle on yourself along the way in every sphere of your life. I have only just discovered your blog, so it was a chance scroll back to your past posts that led me to this sad news.

    • Thanks Vanessa for your kind words. Every warm comment means a lot to me. Four months on and I still can’t believe he’s gone. Just when I’m beginning to think I’m doing fine, I suddenly get surprise attacks of the realisation followed by the grief. OK, every day, I smile, laugh and joke about things but still a very important part of my life is missing… I just need to get used to my new life, I guess. x

      • Yep, grief comes in unpredictable waves, exactly like that. The only healthy thing to do is to just give into them, and keep your husband alive in your memory – and that of everyone who knew him – as much and as often as you can.

  8. Pingback: Winter Rouge | The Perfume Magpie

  9. I’m really sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. I can’t imagine how hard that would be, to lose your closest friend and partner in life. I lost my father nearly five years ago, and it has taken quite some time to heal, but I’m on the way there, slowly but surely. It certainly has been a big change to get used to. Hugs Magpie. We don’t speak about grief enough and I’m glad you had the courage to do so. Losing loved ones is something we all go through. Sending love your way.

    • Thank you for your warm thoughts. I can’t believe it’s already been seven months. Sometimes it feels longer, and yet, sometimes it feels like yesterday. Most of the time, I’m doing OK now. I’m not crying every single day any more. But still, I have some “ambushes” from time to time. Sorry to hear about your father. I think, like you, I’m on my way. Although it might be a baby step. 🙂

      • You will get there. One baby step at a time. Those time warps will pass too – it’s really disconcerting for quite a while, but you get a sense that it’s in the past at some point, and then it’s easier to get on with life somewhat. Ambushes and tears are a normal part of grief. Sending hugs 🙂

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